Thanks to Politico.com for the image
15 July 2011
14 July 2011
Boehner Concerned About Skin as Talks Continue
Speaker Boehner (R-OH) changed his tune this week, calling for compromise on the federal budget as his skin begins to turn to its more natural color. "The talks have kept the Speaker inside for far too long, and he is fearful that his skin might turn a tan-ish shade, losing its normal orange glow," an aid told MSNBC Thursday. Boehner reportedly told a closed session that he had suddenly changed his mind on holding out, at which point Rep. Cantor (R-VA) went apeshit and started responding with to the President with "dorkus says what?" With this, the President got up and left the room.
Boehner's aids have had paramedics standing by, just in case his skin returns to its true color.
Boehner's aids have had paramedics standing by, just in case his skin returns to its true color.
13 July 2011
God Tells Rick Perry Not to Run
According to sources, God has answered Texas Governor and potential Presidential candidate Rick Perry's prayers, and has told him not to run for President. Earlier this week, Perry had voiced his self-assurance that God wanted him to run: "God will answer my prayers by encouraging me to enter the race. Surely, He has payed close attention to how many prisoners I have executed and how tough I have been on the gays." After being informed that God has told Gov. Perry not to run, the 3 term Governor seems to be very confused and would not take any questions. "I punished everyone the bible says to punish! What did I do wrong?" said Perry in a published statement.
12 July 2011
Boehner, Cantor, McConnell, and Obama Try to Buy a Bottle of Wine, Fail
It was reported on Tuesday, Reps. Boehner (R-OH) and Cantor (R-VA), Sen. MCConnell (R-KY), and President Obama attempted to purchase a bottle of Merlot at Jack's Liquors in the Adams-Morgan neighborhood of Washington, DC but failed to come to any consensus on price, size, or style.
According to CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, who "just so happened to be at the same store at the same time (11am) to purchase a bottle of Dewars Scotch", Obama had called Boehner and suggested that since they were all pitching in, they could afford a more expensive, larger bottle. Boehner agreed that they needed a large bottle, but by the time Obama arrived, he found Boehner had chosen a wine that was far less expensive than he had hoped, and the two began arguing.
When the two finally came to an agreement, Cantor burst into the store and grabbed the cheapest bottle of wine he could find. Obama said he would never go for it, so McConnell, who had just then arrived, suggested that Cantor tell the President that he wants the cheapest bottle, then hold a vote on the expensive bottle, which would end in a 2-2 vote. Then, Obama being President would just buy the large, expensive bottle of wine and Cantor could claim he did not want it. However, the clerk had overheard them, so Cantor bailed and pulled Boehner and McConnell out of the store with him.
Blitzer then reported that, by this point, he had downed the bottle of Dewars and now has forgotten what else, if anything, happened.
According to CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer, who "just so happened to be at the same store at the same time (11am) to purchase a bottle of Dewars Scotch", Obama had called Boehner and suggested that since they were all pitching in, they could afford a more expensive, larger bottle. Boehner agreed that they needed a large bottle, but by the time Obama arrived, he found Boehner had chosen a wine that was far less expensive than he had hoped, and the two began arguing.
When the two finally came to an agreement, Cantor burst into the store and grabbed the cheapest bottle of wine he could find. Obama said he would never go for it, so McConnell, who had just then arrived, suggested that Cantor tell the President that he wants the cheapest bottle, then hold a vote on the expensive bottle, which would end in a 2-2 vote. Then, Obama being President would just buy the large, expensive bottle of wine and Cantor could claim he did not want it. However, the clerk had overheard them, so Cantor bailed and pulled Boehner and McConnell out of the store with him.
Blitzer then reported that, by this point, he had downed the bottle of Dewars and now has forgotten what else, if anything, happened.
18% of Americans Now Believed to be in Congress
A new Gallop Poll shows more than 80% of Americans holding an unfavorable view of Congress, while researchers now suspect that 18% of Americans are now members of the Legislative Branch. "This is the only possible way to account for those surveyed that gave favorable reviews of the legislatures," said Barney Posnik, the lead research on the study. "This conclusion has been reached by our team not only because they held favorable views of Congress, but also because they saw nothing dysfunctional about the body in any way."
The study findings also showed that, of those with a favorable view of Congress, 52% thought the job of Congress is to stop doing things, while 48% thought the job of Congress is to not do anything, because, as one of these respondents proclaimed: "It's all good!"
The study findings also showed that, of those with a favorable view of Congress, 52% thought the job of Congress is to stop doing things, while 48% thought the job of Congress is to not do anything, because, as one of these respondents proclaimed: "It's all good!"
Chuck E. Cheese's to Ban Old People
TUEDAY - 10:15AM
Following in the steps of a Monroeville, PA restaurant which has decided to put a ban on children under 6, national family restaurant and entertainment chain Chuck E. Cheese's has decided to band patrons over 65. "They are cranky and smell funny," said one manager in Topeka, KS, "Really, who wants to eat with old people smell coming from the next table."
Another manager, at the Texarkana, TX location mentioned that she's sick of hearing about how, 'In my day, children were well behaved and respected their elders.' "I'm so glad I stuck my parents in a home," she continued, "If they stayed in their house much longer, it would have been consumed by the smell and I never would have been able to sell it."
Chuck E. Cheese's corporate office quickly responded to this by mentioning that it's not a dislike for old people, but their disliking of young children that has led them to create this policy:
"Our senior citizens do not like young people, pure and simple," said the company in a written statement. "If they want to do something with their grandchildren that everyone can enjoy, they should consider a lunch buffet or bingo."
UPDATE:
TUESDAY - 10:23AM
Following the announcement, the AARP has filed a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against Chuck E. Cheese's. The policy has since been reversed, and the restaurant will now hold "Senior Moment Days", during which children under 55 will not be allowed in the establishments.
Following in the steps of a Monroeville, PA restaurant which has decided to put a ban on children under 6, national family restaurant and entertainment chain Chuck E. Cheese's has decided to band patrons over 65. "They are cranky and smell funny," said one manager in Topeka, KS, "Really, who wants to eat with old people smell coming from the next table."
Another manager, at the Texarkana, TX location mentioned that she's sick of hearing about how, 'In my day, children were well behaved and respected their elders.' "I'm so glad I stuck my parents in a home," she continued, "If they stayed in their house much longer, it would have been consumed by the smell and I never would have been able to sell it."
Chuck E. Cheese's corporate office quickly responded to this by mentioning that it's not a dislike for old people, but their disliking of young children that has led them to create this policy:
"Our senior citizens do not like young people, pure and simple," said the company in a written statement. "If they want to do something with their grandchildren that everyone can enjoy, they should consider a lunch buffet or bingo."
UPDATE:
TUESDAY - 10:23AM
Following the announcement, the AARP has filed a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against Chuck E. Cheese's. The policy has since been reversed, and the restaurant will now hold "Senior Moment Days", during which children under 55 will not be allowed in the establishments.
Romney's Unstarched Shirt
In a shocking turn of events Monday, Mitt Romney withdrew from the GOP Presidential race Tuesday throwing his support behind President Obama. The once pro-gay-marriage and pro-choice Governor of Massachusetts was interviewed by reporters while partying with Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA) on Monday Evening at a bar off Boston Common. Apparently, Romney said, his dry cleaner had been using heavy starches in his shirts since early 2008, making him constantly uncomfortable and stiff, which led him to become a social conservative. He promised to go starch-less from now on, to avoid this catastrophe from ever happening again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)