Chuck E. Cheese's to Ban Old People

TUEDAY - 10:15AM

Following in the steps of a Monroeville, PA restaurant which has decided to put a ban on children under 6, national family restaurant and entertainment chain Chuck E. Cheese's has decided to band patrons over 65.  "They are cranky and smell funny," said one manager in Topeka, KS, "Really, who wants to eat with old people smell coming from the next table."

Another manager, at the Texarkana, TX location mentioned that she's sick of hearing about how, 'In my day, children were well behaved and respected their elders.'  "I'm so glad I stuck my parents in a home," she continued, "If they stayed in their house much longer, it would have been consumed by the smell and I never would have been able to sell it."

Chuck E. Cheese's corporate office quickly responded to this by mentioning that it's not a dislike for old people, but their disliking of young children that has led them to create this policy:

"Our senior citizens do not like young people, pure and simple," said the company in a written statement.  "If they want to do something with their grandchildren that everyone can enjoy, they should consider a lunch buffet or bingo."

UPDATE:

TUESDAY - 10:23AM

Following the announcement, the AARP has filed a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against Chuck E. Cheese's.  The policy has since been reversed, and the restaurant will now hold "Senior Moment Days", during which children under 55 will not be allowed in the establishments.